Do you find yourself more generous around the holidays? When
bell ringers stop you as you leave Target, do you tell the truth and slip a
buck or two in their pot instead of lying about only having a credit card? Will
hungry families feast on cans of creamed corn as far as the eye can see while
you dust out your pantry? Do you become a walking tax haven for vagrants in
your community?
If you answered yes to any or all of these questions, you’re
like most of us comfortable Americans who find their cups of cheer a bit fuller
this time of year. And then there are those folks who really shine in the
wintertime. Those who put new meaning towards the notion of hunting season. I’m
talking, of course, about crooks.
Their prey? Us.
I was fortunate enough to celebrate Pearl Harbor weekend in
Des Moines, Iowa, for the wedding of two dear friends. As a new North
Carolinian, I’m getting ready to celebrate my first winter in the Old North
State and I’ve been told by countless natives that it doesn’t snow much out
here. So when the white stuff came down in Des Moines, I caught a bit of the
Christmas bug. I said “Good day” to a beggar. Then apologized for only having a
credit card in my wallet. I was saluted with my own bell ringing, after tipping
extra at a favorite old bar. I hugged, high-fived and wrote my name in the snow,
thanks to several pints of Guinness and a few shots of bourbon. And then this
wonderful ceremony, reunion and bar crawl all rolled into one came to a very bittersweet
end. After a few flights, I was happy though to be back in my cozy North
Carolina home.
Until the following morning, when I checked my bank account
online.
“What the hell is bodybuilding.com, and who the hell spent $263.82 on there!?”
A thought worthy of an interrobang if there ever was one. Expecting to find a
couple dozen less-than-$10 transactions from the weekend, you can imagine my
shock at seeing such a surprising figure. It was an open bar at the wedding
reception, but was I really that
drunk that I forgot about buying a round of human growth hormone for my buddies
at the bar? Shock quickly progressed to consternation, as I realized my credit
(debit) card number had fallen victim to some wily Iowa meathead.
If only I had given that kindhearted hobo a dollar bill,
maybe karma wouldn’t have bench pressed my bank account.
To many of you, $263 dollars doesn’t sound like the end of
the world, but if this is the first entry you’ve read on my blog, let me get
you up to speed. I don’t make much money. I can be crass. I can be boorish. If
you know me personally, I can be a real asshole. But I can’t pretend to be affluent,
or even very comfortable. Losing that much money, even though the bank ended up
giving it all back, put things into perspective for me. I’m glad I had that
much in my account to begin with. But if you took three quarters from a guy who
only had a dollar to his name, you’re really shattering his bank. And there are
countless many across America who only have about that in their pockets.
I may not have much, but I’m thankful to have a Christmas
tree instead of having to sleep under one.
So the next time you walk out of your favorite store,
actually, before you even walk into
the place, make sure you have some spare change to drop in that red kettle. If
you’re giving away creamed corn, at least give away the name brand stuff. And
if you encounter a homeless person, run the other way. Because honestly, they’re
almost always insane, drunk, stoned or all of the above. Instead, write a check
for charity and make sure your money goes to someone who’s stuck in a shitty
situation but is trying hard to better himself.
And no matter how
much money you have in the bank, for the love of God find something better to
spend $263 on than bodybuilding supplements. Everyone laughs at you people in
the gym.
A very prosperous, a very appreciative and a very Merry
Christmas to all.
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