There’s a rich tradition we Americans celebrate in this
country on November. The anticipation literally grows as we get closer and
closer to that special date. For the millions who take part in this time-honored
and patriotic duty, there are those who find themselves disappointed, while
others rejoice and turn to places like social media to herald the great news.
I’m talking of course, about No Shave November.
Once the 11th month of the Gregorian calendar officially
arrives, my Facebook newsfeed fills up with two topics of discussion: beards,
and the election. For my blonde friends, No Shave November often produces a
time of strife and spitefulness for my darker-haired companions. It’s a general
rule that blonde people grow awful beards, and their daily cell phone pics
uploaded throughout the month are testament to this scientific fact. For my
brunette buddies, thick, lustrous manes can be achieved in a matter of days.
With the autumn air quickly cooling this time of year, new beards help insulate
the face from the elements, so despite the wordplay in its title, No Shave November
doesn’t only make grammatical sense; it’s the perfect barometric month to
celebrate this venerated observance.
I don’t know what red-headed beards look like because I make
it a point not to befriend gingers.
If there could be a clear champion in No Shave November, it
would be the homeless. You may think they cheated by growing their beards year-round,
but life has already cheated them so the hoodwinks cancel out. I vote for the
homeless to win.
Speaking of being homeless, we had an election yesterday.
Did you vote? Unless you’re a child, a living ex-president who served two
terms, living in prison or just a dumbass, you better have gone to the polls.
Another time-honored November tradition is America’s presidential election.
Four years ago, Barack Obama campaigned on the idea of hope and change for this
country. Now, four years later, the re-election he hoped to win succeeded by an
even narrower margin than in 2008. Way to move us forward, Mr. President.
In the age of mobile internet, social media and shitty
beards, we’re more connected to one another than ever before. Even homeless
people have access to the world wide web, if only at the public library. The candidates
for president launched all kinds of new ways to reach potential voters this
time. How many of you had to sit through campaign ads before watching the “Gangnam
Style” video on YouTube? On Facebook, your friends, your family and your
co-workers you were too cowardly to deny requests from all posted their
thoughts and mind-crushing opinions about the candidates. I have my own
personal convictions about politics, but with this being my third presidential
election, I have become increasingly put off by the process. I’m not
bipartisan. I’m not nonpartisan. If anything, I’m unpartisan. I’m starting to detest politics yet I still feel
obliged to follow through with my civic duty to vote. In my three elections, I’ve
been on the winning side once and the losing end twice, yet the older I get the
less I truly care about either outcome. The connectivity we enjoy nowadays has
given rise to so much political coverage in my mailbox, my inbox, my television,
my radio, my computer and my phone that once it’s all finally over, I just want
to crash. Forget the candidates – they chose to take this long and grueling road
– the election is tougher on the voter. We never asked for 50 pieces of mail a
day for three months, or political attack ads throughout new episodes of “The
Walking Dead.”
And I’m a professional writer yet I can’t express in words
how much I loathe the political commentary from people on Facebook. For Christ’s
sake post baby photos, wedding pictures…anything
else for me to hate you a little less. There’s a reason you work in a
warehouse. You’re not a pundit. You’re an idiot.
For better or worse, I’m glad it’s all over.
The election doesn’t matter. What the winner does with the next
four years is what’s important. In the last four years, every new job I have
accepted has come with a smaller salary than my previous job. If this trend
continues, by the time 2016 arrives I may be homeless with little more than my
beard to keep my comfy. This country needs a lot of work and the president has
a lot of empty boxes in his checklist. It’s a daunting road ahead, one he chose
to take. Time will tell how the problems of our country are resolved. Whether
you voted for him or not, now’s the time to support our president, look forward
and hope for the best.
God bless America and God help us all.
